I was going to write an article about how to deal with cheating and betrayal like a Stoic, but friends, I’ve got to be honest, I dealt with betrayal like a cat in a bathtub; clawing, howling and making a scene.

So come on! Jump in on the story of what not to do when dealing with betrayal, and how to be a muther f-ing stoic instead.

What Not To Do

Let’s start by talking about what you’re not supposed to do when dealing with these… individuals.

Well thats easy! You are NOT supposed to scream, you’re not supposed to slap (that’s assault), and you are defiantly NOT supposed to beg.

WTF! NO! Don’t beg for change and scraps. It never ends up feeling good and you lose a piece of yourself every time.

Now hear me out, I am pretty dang good at self regulation, *most of the time.* But I’m also just a girl. A human with deep feelings and emotions. Not some cold Stoic robot without a heart.

Cheating is Cheating

When I dealt with a partner who I found out cheated on me, micro, macro. Cheating is cheating, it’s all trash.

*Side note* If you don’t know what micro vs macro cheating is, let me give you a quick lesson. They are different levels of cheating.

“Micro cheating” is like looking at, talking to or investing in an emotional relationship with someone other than your partner. (Give or take).

Bro, my opinion a “work wife”? Yeah that’s cheating. Harsh? Maybe, but how many stories do you hear about affairs starting at work?

“Macro cheating” is the hard shit. The physical action of cheating. i.e. kissing, going on a date with, or sleeping with another person while in a relationship.

As I was saying, I dealt with cheating in an embarrassingly unhealthy way that left me feeling ashamed, unworthy and out of control.

But most of all I felt disappointed. Disappointed in myself that after years of work, effort and change I so quickly lost all control.

The wild thing is there was nothing I did or could have done to prevent it. I was loyal to a fault.

This action of another person had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own insecurities.

How do we move on once we’ve lost control?

How does a person deal with the disappointment of betrayal, and how do we deal with the disappointment in ourselves for not handling a fucked up situation like the witty girls in the movies?

Let’s start with grace. We are all practicing humans. Some days are defiantly better than others.

A pillar principle of Stoicism is the dichotomy of control. This principle defines the difference between what is within our circle of control and what is not within our control.

What we, as practicing Stoics need to do is focus on what is within the circle. Being cheated on and gaslit? Not in the circle.

Our actions and our choices regarding what we do after? Yep that’s the shit in the circle. We always have a choice.

One thing that has helped me stop before reacting is the power of the pause. And yes, I am still working on perfecting this super power.

No Such Thing as Perfection

That’s the thing though isn’t it? Perfection is unattainable. We don’t know how we are going to handle unforeseen situations like this. So beating ourselves up for not reacting in the way we think we should? That is in the past and out of our control.

Now in keeping things real. We are human. We feel things deeply, especially when betrayal blindsides us.

Instead of sulking in disappointment, let’s embrace those emotions. Allow yourself to feel hurt, angry, or confused. It’s all part of the healing process. You’re not a Stoic statue, there’s no need to pretend you’re unaffected.

After acknowledging your feelings, focus on those choices that are within your control. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist who can provide perspective.

My therapist strongly encourages journaling. Writing out your emotions can be powerful. Journaling has allowed me to release some my anger and hurt in a healthy way. Rather than ripping this guy a new one (which I may have done anyway).

All together now! “Do as I say, not as I do.”

Eff Forgiveness!

Wait, wait, wait. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, freeing you to move forward without carrying that weight.

Forgiveness does NOT mean you excuse the betrayal, but it is a way to release the power it has over you.

Remember, you’re not doing this for them, you’re doing it for your own peace of mind.

Here’s the Path Forward

As we stumble through this sick little journey, remember that growth is not a linear process. Some days will feel easier than others. And some days will feel impossible.

Mistakes will happen. You might slip back into old patterns of overreacting or getting caught up in assumptions.

That’s okay. Just pause, breathe, and redirect yourself back toward those Stoic badassisms. More details on how to be a Stoic badass even if you are losing your shit, can be found here.

By approaching betrayal with class and awareness, you’ll emerge stronger and more self-assured. Again, “Do as I say, not as I do”.

So friends, the next time you find yourself facing betrayal, remember to take a pause, assess what’s in your control, and aim for progress over perfection.

Embrace your humanity and keep striving for a life that reflects you. A life that’s not defined by others, but shaped by the power of your choices and awareness of your worth.

With Stoic grace and manifesting magic, your friend and fellow Student of Stoicism, Mimi.